Ağustos 17, 2016 2 tanecik yorum

after all, "change is the only evidence of life".


The first day of the rest of your life. It was the english title of a French movie that I saw almost three years ago. It's strange to see how time flies that fast... But today I decide, because I finally felt the change inside me. I decide: I won't let other people to change my mood. I won't let other's thoughts to destroy my dreams. Especially, I won't give my laughter to the ones who don't deserve it. It's not about becoming a totally serious person who doesn't smile -not even once, but I need calm, I need 'not compelled or forced' conversation. I need sincere and natural conversations. That's all.

I was always a person who smiles a lot, talk a lot, discuss a lot; but maybe this particular time of my life doesn't need these. In my heart, I know that I don't even like to talk a lot, or laugh a lot... but the personality that I've built for years made me like this. I know it is almost always very hard to change it after one point, but I know I can change it. Now, finally, I am able to do it. Unfortunately, the most scary part is thinking of the possible reactions of my friends, on the other hand, I know they will be fine with new Dilara who doesn't laugh or talk a lot even though deep inside she never wanted to. I always like to have warm conversations with the people I really care, but the habit of talking a lot or laughing a lot is like an addiction which makes you suffer at the end of the day. I have to stop trying to be a person who talks too much to get other people involved in conversation. I have to find the balance.

After a month later, the new term -the last term of my undergrad years- will start and it will be literally a new term for me. After all, as the writer said, "change is the only evidence of life". Please, just be the person who you really are, otherwise you are going to feel like 'trapped' all the time. Don't forget: feeling free to act whatever you like is based on your state of mind.

One more thing! I'd like to recommend a song for you (bunch of people who possibly follow) before I go: "The Box" by Damien Rice. (his voice is really the most heavenly voice on earth)

Love, Dilara.
Haziran 16, 2016 0 tanecik yorum

sometimes wisdom comes out of the blue.


I found a piece of paper between the pages of my old diary; it was written in 2013 (March 25).
Probably I wrote at the class in the break. 

"Ne yapmalı?
'Ne yapmalı' diye düşünmemek için ne yapmalı?
Neden hata yapmamaya çabalıyoruz?
Neden sürekli güzel şeylere karşı daha da bağlanıyoruz?
Hayatta her şeyin acısız ve mükemmel gitmesi beklenebilir mi?
Aşkı bu coşkulu kalplerimiz neden hep mantığımıza karşı geliyor bir noktada?
Neden hep duygularımız aklımızla çatışıp bizi karmaşada bırakıyor?
Ne yapmalı?
Hayatla beraber öğrenmeli. Bu kadar basit belki galiba.
Çünkü yapılacak bir şey yok.
Hayatın ipleri her zaman bizim elimizde değil.
Hayat istediğim renkleri kullanabileceğim bir resim paleti değil.
Elbet çoğunlukla benim elimde ama diğer olay ve kişilerin gidişatı etkilememesi imkansız.
Birini seversiniz. O da sizi sever. İki insan da kendisine göre fedakarlıklar gösterir. Peki sevgi zamana karşı ayakta durabilir mi sadece sevgiyle? İhtimaller ihtimaller. Kurgu senaryolar senaryolar...
Bonus kazanmak adına planlar kurmak, bir şeyleri değiştirmeyi istemek, insanları zamanları değiştirmek istemek.
Planlar işe yaramaz, yarayamaz. Çünkü elimizden gelen tek şey kendimiz olmak. Ve o insanın bizimle uymasını dilemek. Kendinden olan şeyler bunlar. Bunun dışında planlarla oyunlarla asla sonucu değiştiremeyiz. 
Bu aralar bloga yazasım var aslında ama herkesin okumasını istediğimden emin değilim. Bilmiyorum çünkü tüm bu analizler yapılmalı mı, kafamda dolaşan düşüncelere sahip olmalı mıyım? Ne kadar gerçekçi, ne kadar doğru?
Yine her zaman olduğu gibi, "doğru", "yapılması gereken", "ne kadar doğru" vb. kavramlara karşı saplantılı olduğumu kanıtlamış oldum. Ne olursa olsun içimizdeki sesi kapatıp anı yaşayamıyoruz sanırım bir türlü, en azından ben yapamıyorum. İlla bir iç sesimizle yorumlaşma bir sorgulama sistemine sahip olma. Ben yazmak istiyorum, tüm düşüncelerim akıp gitsin istiyorum tüm bu süreçte. Zaten sorumluluklarımızın, "olmalı"ların kölesi olmuşuz, bari kelimelerim, sanatım, resimim benim olsun. En azından kendimi rahatça ifade edebiliyim... çünkü şu an çantamı alıp atlayıp bir arabaya gidicek ne imkanım, ne de cesaretim var. Yaşıyor muyum sadece nefes mi alıyorum bilmiyorum. Sadece yıllar sonra kalbimin sesini daha çok dinleyen bir insan olmak istiyorum."

Three years passed since I wrote this passage. Did I become a person who listens to her heart more than her mind? I am not sure. It's like a history repeating itself over and over again, but this paper gave me the direction and feeling that I needed for so long.
Haziran 04, 2016 0 tanecik yorum

"Is there no way out of the mind?" ― Sylvia Plath

Mostly I feel like I'm thinking too much than other people usually do, but in these days, I feel I'm reaching the limit of mine; my mind starts to suffer also at night while dreaming on the top of it. I wish I could shut down my mind just for some time, just for taking a rest. I don't know why I am like this; feeling trapped in the world just like I come from somewhere else. I want to be on the road forever -on the outside of all the people I had to deal with and the things I'm responsible for- to satisfy my mind with the state of freedom.

The summer finally came, and finally, I'm at home again; safe and sound. I must say: I realized that I missed being with mom and dad more than I thought. For two days, I sleep like a baby without any interruption. After the end of a tiring semester, I deserved a better-qualified sleep, right? After all, I have lots of time to do nothing and also do everything I wanted to but couldn't find time before. Sooo, writing and finding more time to write is what I need... because I wanted to experience all the self-awakening within this process. When I think about writing something that I really like to write about, the first thought of mine leads me to write about quotes and lyrics which I always admire them especially when I see unique ones.

In this post, I will list some of my favorite quotes from books, songs or movies; just as a reminder to me and you. I will update the post when I find more quotes to add to this list.

ALL Damien Rice songs' lyrics... literaly I love all of them!

“If you asked me now who I am, the only answer I could give with any certainty would be my name. For the rest: my loves, my hates, down even to my deepest desires, I can no longer say whether these emotions are my own, or stolen from those I once so desperately wished to be.”
― Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited

“Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there's no room for the present at all.” 
― Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited

“[Change is] the only evidence of life.” 
― Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited

"Wait for the day, you'll go away
Knowing that you warned me of the price I'd have to pay
And life's full of flaws, who knows the cause?
Living in the memory of a love that never was"
― Blackmore's Night, "Long Long Time"

“Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm okay" we say. "I'm alright". But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer--it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.” 
― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

"By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held on me
Held on as tightly as you held on me..."
― The Cinematic Orchestra, "To Build a Home"

"Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself."
― from "Good Will Hunting"

 "And people just untie themselves
Uncurling lifelines
If you could just forgive yourself
But still you stumble, feet give way
Outside the world seems a violent place
But you had to have him, and so you did
Some things you let go in order to live
While all around you, the buildings sway
You sing it out loud, "who made us this way?"
I know you're bleeding, but you'll be okay
Hold on to your heart, you'll keep it safe
Hold on to your heart, don't give it away"
― Florence + The Machine, "Various Storms & Saints"

"The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your window
Did you see it disappear?"
― Damien Rice, "Amie"

"How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without? I didn't say goodbye. I didn't say anything. I just walked away."
― from "My Blueberry Nights"

"And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone
Memories, they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon
Naïve I was just staring at the barrel of a gun
And I do believe that, yeah
But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
Now the world keeps spinning"
― Kodaline, "High Hopes"

"Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn, I meet the power
This time, this time
Turning white and senses dying
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another"
― Thirteen Senses, "Into the Fire"

"You've ruined me now
Though I liked it now I'm ruined
I had no choice
When I heard your voice"
― Norah Jones, "You've Ruined Me"

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

"Remember: that giants sleep too soundly; that witches are often betrayed by their appetites; dragons have one soft spot, somewhere, always; hearts can be well-hidden, and you can betray them with your tongue."
― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders
Mayıs 23, 2016 0 tanecik yorum

deniz/sea.

Today's perfect little reading, unfortunately, it is in Turkish, and cannot be translated perfectly so I chose not to:

" Denizlere ne anlamlar yüklüyor koca yürekli şairler. İnsan şaşıp kalıyor. Kâh sevgili oluyor deniz, kâh acımasız bir katil, kâh sığınılacak bir mabet... Siz kimin, hangi denizisiniz sevgili okur? Var olun.

İrfan Kurudirek - Deniz Aşkı Ağlar (Kişisel Blog'undan):

Ne zaman kış gelse üşüyen denizleri düşünürüm,
Balıklara üzülür; eriyen kar tanelerine gözyaşı yüzdürürüm.

Denizde boğulanlar cennete mi gömülüyor? Ben deniz olsam kimseyi boğamazdım herhalde. Yoksa yalnızca bir mevsimde hatırlanmak zoruma gider miydi? Yok yok, en iyisi kesin konuşmamak.
Fenerin aydınlattığı yerde zengin balıklar yaşar bana göre. Ben ilk denizle tanıştığımda kıyının en ıssız yerinde feneri aradım. Ha buldum mu? Tabii ki bulamadım. Aslında denizin büyüsü feneri unutturdu, çaktırmadım. Aradan yıllar geçti, denizi anlamaya çalıştım. Bazen berrak olabilmek için insanın pisliğini kıyıya bırakması gerekiyormuş, bunu denizden öğrendim. Yıllarca dışı güzel olan insanların bulanık olan içlerinde debelendim durdum, battıkça battım. İnsanın dibi görünüyorsa eğer muhakkak kıyısında çalı çırpı vardır. Deniz yalan söylemez.
Bazı denizleri melekler ağlıyor biliyorum. O yüzden bol tuzlu ve dalgalı oluyor. Bazı denizleri de kış mevsimi yapıyor. Birbirine hiç benzemeyen kar tanelerinin kavuştuğu yer oluyor deniz. Güneş sessizce giderken denizin bıraktığı ayaz kokusundan anlıyorum bunu. Abarttım değil mi? Adam sende.
Bir gün denizin biri bol küfürlü dalgalarıyla ceset kokuyordu. Kıyıda bıraktığı izler dağınık, iskeleye bıraktığı damlalar bir yaşı andırıyordu.

Bir gün deniz 
Aşkı ağlıyordu
Ben
Susturamadım. "
Mayıs 15, 2016 0 tanecik yorum

before.

Sometimes, your heart and mind ask at the same time: "Why?" and "How?"
Then you unconsciously start to question everything again;
My way of questioning life is sort of a way to remember the movie sequence of Before Sunrise(1995), Before Sunset(2004), and Before Midnight(2013). I always end up with different thoughts...

So there are some quotes which mean a lot to me.

from Before Sunrise;


from Before Sunset;



from Before Midnight;



Nisan 27, 2016 0 tanecik yorum

hello blogger my old friend.

It passed more than two years, and now, today, (actually tonight); I’m finally writing again! It is a different feeling of starting to write again: fresh new chapter of my life. Ageing, getting older, surprisingly, I love the way of passing of the time. It is kind of fluent circle of self-discovery. Lately, I’m thinking about my childhood; how innocent the things were, how beautiful and soft. Now, the child, who always speaks in my head, starts to realize that the things are not all the time full of happiness like it is told. It was a painful process to admit it, however, one part of mine still a child who tries to survive. The other part of mine accepts the reality and hardship of the world surrounding us. The time I spent for thinking and questioning life and the things that matter was increasing day by day. Sooo, I understood two things really matters and gives satisfaction to our lives: “Passion” and “inspiration”. Everybody needs some challenge, something to discover, something to hold on in life. If we are purely clear about everything; every idea of us, every perspective of us, how can we have the power of criticism and change which are essential for being human I believe. An inspiration which leads us to another thinking, a way of seeing, is painful and full of passion at the same time because the process of questioning also means the process of the possibility of a change. Therefore, a change can lead us to too much “otherness” which is risky for the position of accustomedness. We generally don’t want to leave our comfort zones. On the other hand, the possibility of a change would not be that bad for some people, for them: it is a chance to discover themselves through inspirations in their lives. It is full of danger, but still you must give it a try if you are one these people who cannot stop feeling passion about the things that give them a true inspiration to live. You know not everybody is living in life, most of them are just breathing without living.



That’s it for tonight. By the way, If you didn't see it yet, I really recommend "Lost in Translation" which is one of the movies meant to be seen in the night. I have lots of work to do but I could not resist the need of writing. I will see you more often than before. Enjoy the calm of the night. 
 
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